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My amazing Life

Nov. 21st, 2004 12:32 pm okk soo what to do

Ok so i am sitting here back from eating at a restraunt cause my family couldn't make it to church. So right now i am debating on weather or not to call matt. This sucks, how am i supposed to make a decsion when i really care about him. I mean im angry at the fact that he dosen't want the same things as i do but then i also really care about him, and i don't think i could go longer than a couple days not talking to him. Its like....do i try and make a point, just not call, or do i want to call and let him kno that i care just that much more. I mean im wondering how last night went and everything, and a lot of my friends are mad at him. BUt i just don't think it would be fair, when he was so honest with his feelings for me to just drop him. So i think i've made my decsion. Well i have got to go to MIM. I have it from 12:30-3:30. YEY! ya right. See ya all later.


Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: none

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Nov. 20th, 2004 12:41 am why?

Alright, im really sorry its been a long while since i last wrote in you and i kno that people that read my journal are probably wondering whats going on. well today, wasn't a so great day. The day started off rocky at the start, tardy for school, and i was just down. But then the day started to improve, i excepted the fact that i was beaten in a challenge and my seat was taken from me, i excepted the fact that my grades arn't where i would like them to be, i was able to talk to Spencer about things, and then i went onroading, which is basically just u on a regular road speeding. With Joe and Mike speeding was great. Just driving along the back roads of Richfield, almost getting in an accident a couple of times. lol then my day ends with a BIG BANG. ya, Matt broke up with me. Basically another guy that pulled the good old friend card. O i just somehow always get stuck with that one, never good enough to be physically involved, people just need me to talk 2. FUCK THAT. Right now i hate everyone, i don't wanna see one fucking face that i can acknowledge from anywhere. I don't understand why i always get FUCKED over. Imput time. money. my cares and worries. what do i get in return? I get pretty much Fucking nothing. while im here crying, someone else is out having fun, probably even laughing about my stupidty or how i could have been so nieve to consider someone something more. Why do i even let myself care, or frankly love, when all i get back are fake deadlines, fake feelings. Why do people always have to sugar coat everything. Im not what you want anymore, simple as that. I mean ya circumstances all change, maybe its someone new, maybe ur busy, maybe you got bigger priorities. But why the fuck sugar coat what you want to say, are u trying to make the other person feel better? Well guess what you fucked up its over, and the persons only gonna feel like shit. i can't wait to drive my car over a fuckin bridge and just burn. and then no one could come to my funeral because they wouldn't be able to even see my body. They'd only be able to say goodbye in their hearts, then forget about me years later, like people always do when they worship the dead. well enough about all that cause im tired of spilling my heart out. just gotta let the tears run down, and get everything done and over with, move on. Change my life around, and look for the new horizon, new moon. i guess i won't be around Red Lobster for a while. lol. but ill probably be working, or miming, or clubbing, or sleeping. give me a call or since probably no one reads this maybe someone higher could give me a call, cause im really really lost right now. And i need a friend.


Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Best i ever Had

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Oct. 10th, 2004 01:13 pm homecoming....what an amazing night!

WOW! ok last night was amazing. I mean my homecoming pretty much blatintly sucked but this homecoming was aweseome! The day started out pretty hectic. My mom had me go to the mall to get jewelry and stuff for my dress and all that jazz. So then i was late getting my hair done by Sharon. Her sisters were there with their b/f's and watching Sharon and I's tape from when we sang at the talent show in 8th grade. It actually wasn't that bad at all, but on this one part where it goes really high Sharon just couldn't get it sooo it didn't sound too great but the rest of it was amazing. And so then the guys were all impressed and they all asked me to sing a song for them. I picked "at last" by edda james, and they all just sat there listening to me sing, its the coolest feeling, i must tell u. So then i left there, and headed to get my nails done. The guy was really nice and all but, im sorry he did my nails crappy. lol. THe mall guy did such a better job that i really wanna go back to there. But getting my nails done can only be set on rare occasions because as we all know its kinda illegal to have ur nails done when playing violin, its like a written law and my private teacher gets soooo ticked off when i have them. lol. WHoops! Soo after the nail guy was done i spead out of there and went home, to find matt's car in the parking lot. He was like COME ON,,, TODAY! lol. gosh i love him, but hes just a very punctual person and im not. One of our many differences. So we got in the car after he wouldn't let me wear this huge bulky over coat for my dress cause i was cold. we sped off to Olive Garden. There i met his friend Allison, and this other girl, and kno whats terrible ooo my gosh i forgot her name!!!!! awww i feel terrible well we met them along with their dates Anthony, and i forget the other guy, cause he really never talked at all. For real. lol like he never opened his mouth except maybe once but i wasn't close enough to him to hear what he said. THey were really nice, and actually i was really nervous to come meet them, but it was all good. and apparently they didn't think i was too bad myself. The only thing is they talked about sooo many people, and called many girls whores and stuff, im like awww! i mean maybe once or twice steph and i will mention someone like that but hardly ever! soo i can't imagine what a normal day at Padua is like. WE had dinner, matt of course had Pasta, lol, i had Chicken PArmagina. I was soooo hungry soo that defianantly filled my stomach, then we headed to the high school. Well first i must say that my high school's dances are alot darker than Padua's. Padua you could clearly see everything and what was going on w/ people all around you. Sooo of course i was dancing dirty which surprised matt cause he wasn't sure that i would be able to do it. hahaha. lol please. j/k but u kno its not that hard, cause what we did wasnt even that much of a workout. just plain hard fun. lol. Then after dancing dirty and people seating and all we headed to Denny's to get something to eat and drink. It was just overall a really fun night. No sleepover though, which was kinda a bummer cause i wanted to sleep somewhere with matt, but it didn't quite workout. So now today, matts gonna call me later and we are gonna figure out something to do! YEY! of course hes planning cause im just not good at planning, welll actually i just don't plan at all. haha. But ya thats that. I was kinda bummed though cause Fri and Sat. i called Spencer and he didn't call me back or maybe he just didn't get the memo that i called, his mom didn't seem that happy that i called him. but ya anyways i will ttyl!!!!!! MUWA!

Current Mood: giddygiddy
Current Music: P.O.D- Alive

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Oct. 4th, 2004 12:22 am tired.....project for extra credit...where is matt....

Dear Journal,
hey its me again. Its late at night on Sunday and i have a project to finish but i just want to write in u and get it over with. I'm soo exausted from work, i was one of 3 people working. so it was me a-jaxing the whole front of the store and in the drive-thru and i got it all done at 11, along with all the dishes up there. I have a funny story for you for that! oook soo i am on the headphones for drive-thru and this guy comes on and the convo went like this..."hi, can i have a big kids meal with a hamburger plain." so im thinking to muyself okkk theres noo big kids meal with a hamburger but he probably just meant a kids meal..people always mess up there own orders. so i put it in, and the guy comes around. I give him the meal and he replies..."noo this isn't wat i wanted, i said i wanted a big kids meal." and i was like o yes but there is no big kids meal with a hamburger theres only a double cheesburger and a 6 peice nugget. he repeated. "exactly so i asked for a hamburger instead" in my mind ... "GET OUT OF MY DRIVE-THRU U RETARD" but then i replied im sorry, so then he bought another plain hamburger and drove away. im like, UGH! customers are stupid. lol maybe it was more funny if u were actually there. so. extra credit. ya. well ill keep it on hold a lil longer. On my break i talked to Jackie, i haven't talked with her in FOREVER, and she called my cell so when i returned the call we talked for my whole break! awww i miss her sooo much! and her b/f is still being a jerk to her like always...im just wondering when shes going to dump him cause shes too good for him, but they've just been together for soo long. i think it would be weird for her. u kno. Actually speaking of relationships, i don't kno where mine went. Its just like i hardly get to talk to matt anymore, cause we use to talk every night. And it seems like his friends that are girls get to spend more time with him that i ever do. lol maybe its a lil jealousy i guess, but like its just weird and it sucks. Like i wanna see him sooo bad, and i would go to great lengths to see him if i could. But i have to wait cause i can't drive till later. And i just kno that im gonna go to this dance and feel uncomfortable, and he'll probably just be dancing with all these other girls and leave me by myself. i don't kno maybe its just because im tired and cranky. but he never makes any realll effort and u kno how u sometimes question things because of that reason then. I don't kno and then my mom commented how our relationship is weird because we never see each other ever. and then it made me think for a while, cause im like wow shes right. But i mean we do have very busy and conflicting schedules...so its understandable. I don't kno its just he never really mentions me in his journal anymore, calls me during his breaks, tries to come see me, or attempt anything really. What if hes starting to not like me anymore? gosh this is making me kinda sad and upset sooo NEW SUBJECT. Mmmmm well i guess i better get started on that project of mine. I need those 10 extra bonus points to keep my chem. grade at a solid A! sooo u kno how that all goes. See ya, MUWA

Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Godspeed~from the Time Machine Soundtrack

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Oct. 2nd, 2004 02:34 am mmmm pondering....

Dear Journal,
Well i just got home a lil while ago, was all excited to talk to matt, but he won't really talk to me. Don't u hate it when u feel like somethings wrong but no one acknowledges it. GRRR! well today at work wasn't too great, i stayed there till 12:05am ya, fun. Then i get home im tired, don't feel good (stomach wise) and then i just have some issues that i've been trying to get help with. See my cousin shes practically going out with this one guy, but the problem is, is that even though she realllly likes the guy she is practically with, a new guy entered the picture. This guy was kind of the model of what she used to look for and i guess hes just really nice to her and their personalities are ALOT alike. Sooo of course she dosen't kno what to do, and i don't kno what to tell her to do myself. Im sooo lost. What would u do, if u have any suggestions let me kno! i pretty much said to stick with the guy shes with now, cause maybe this new guy will just breeze over, but then what if hes just the one for her, they are just very compadible and work together. Confusing. Now i am just bored trying to think of questions for Mock Trial. Tryouts for Mock Trial are this upcoming Thursday!!!! i want to make it sooo bad. i am seriously gonna come out with a 3.8 at the least. i wanna be smart and a part of NHS, get involved. My bill i think is going to definatly work out. The whole incentive of tax break dealing with those that can hold a job and go to school at the same time, should be able to be inplaced. I don't kno hopefully everything goes well there, and i was excited cause everyone liked my ideas for Spanish Club, that was intresting, and i have a pen-pal now that i can write to in spanish. Its all good. Also i am gonna be driving in....2 WEEKS!!!!!!!!! i can't wait! to finally have freedom and leave when i want and not have people cart me around places will be amazing. too bad winter is coming and then its just gonna be me waking up every morning, defrosting the car, and then slipping and slidding to school. HEY and i got my paycheck today! yeyyy for me! i was sooo excited because i had made $171.00 because of my raise i made like 30 more dollars or so. YES!!!!!!! But the only place its gonna go is my savings account. sooo it should be intresting. Gosh i can not wait for Christmas! its sooo close and its my favorite holiday of the year. I remember my dad telling me this and i repeated it to matt last night that, my grandma's last words were..."im going to a place where it is Christmas everyday". I wish i could have gotten to kno her. My grandma seemed like such an amazing women and it just seems sooo sad that she had to die of Stomach cancer, and that there house has caved in and impossible to get through. I don't kno how u are supposed to stay healthy in this world honestly. Well i g2g to bed, its late, and i got things to do tom. Night night, sweet dreams.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Casper's Lullaby

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Sep. 29th, 2004 11:36 pm Dear Journal

Alright its late at night, i've been trying to get homework done, and i can't concentrate for beans. Today was an ok day, i thought i did really well on a test but only got a 90.4%. grrr i have to try harder next time i guess. But i am sooo bummed because not only did that happen but i didn't get to talk to matt tonight. I think, no joke, that it is the first that i haven't talked to matt today since we started going out. Its kind of depressing, isn't that weird that u notice how much u care about someone when u arn't around them for even a short while. But he was probably busy tonight working and really tired soo he probably will just call me tommorow hopefully. But it was weird because today he told me to call, and then i called like 5 times in 15 min and he never picked up the phone. Or should i say...no one picked up the phone. Sooo i don't kno o well. It just sucks my mom took away my cell phone, and i like live on that thing. So now i have to use the phone home, which just takes up time and frankly is a waste, and should be done away with. Ugg well i guess since matt isn't showing up and im just talking to 2 friends i should just go finish my homework and go to bed. I can't believe tommorow will be THrusday already! this week has gone by pretty quickly, it just means that i am closer to driving and much closer to matt's homecoming!!!! yey. allright well thanks for listening to my complaints. Im sure ill have more to tell u about tom. after school. I heard from my Chem. teacher that we are doing a reallllyyy intresting lab tom,! it should be pretty exciting.

Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: The T.v in the backround

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Sep. 19th, 2004 03:34 pm hello everyone

Alright this day has been a strange and tiring one. Last night i went to my homecoming YEY.....no not really it was more like bored to death the whole night. Not only did i want to leave but then when i had the oppertunity and my b/f called me, i missed the call. I am retarded. soo then after all of that i finally get out and we go to the coffee club. It was a lot of fun, my friend sarah liked my one friend mike, that was funny. Mike was just scwirming in his seat not knowing what to do. haha can i pay to see it again!? i also met Krista who is really really nice. She had come with matt and mike but too bad she had to go home early. Since she had to leave early.......u guessed it. matt had to leave early. lol, so i was saying goodbye (kiss goodnight) and this grl from my old orchestra class goes whoo hoo whats goin on over there, or something to that extant. ooo wait and not only that but before that, i dumped a whole cup of ice cold water all over my dress and the side of matts pants. So yaa my night went pretty well. lol. But i must admit it was kinda nice seeing matt again, cause i can not go longer than like a week, cause that just wouldn't be fair. But all i keep thinking is his homecoming in like 2 weeks! and then a sleepover at steves. Ok nowww im not sure if im going to be aloud because obviously i don't kno what kind of excuse i should give for that one. If u have any ideas write um on my comment board. but anywayss now its like 3:40 i have sooo much homework and! may i mention i have work from 5-11pm tonight. OOO rachel is going to get a good nights sleep i can tell u. The beg. of today was intresting too, i woke up and saw that matt called me last night, sooo i was like damnit i kinda wanted to talk to him cause then he had work all today. But i woke up went to work at 8 but guess what, they switched me to 5-11pm which i must admit is soooo nice but, then i went home went back to sleep. I woke up and its Mr.Valley on the voice recorder machine downstairs wondering where i was for MIM practice. I was like GOD can anything else go wrong today, parents were gone, had to find a ride, so i called my grandma. Her getting to my house took a whole 15 min then of course 10 min to get there. soo by the time i got there i was about an hour and a 1/2 late. so i mimed for an hour, it sucked. I look like such a mess, i need to take a shower sooo bad. and then like i said i have sooo much homework to do, and yaaa i kno im sitting here writting this all in my journal taking up some good homework time. but u kno what and i don't say this a lot. I don't give a fuk anymore. lol seriously, they can kiss my ass because im not doing it and i don't care. And u kno what else...Im not gonna go to work because they need me soooo bad, im one of there best workers but whats my pay......probably the lowest of anyone in that place! its $5.50 the same amount i made when i was 15 yrs old!!! ya so forget them, forget school, i just wanna hangout with my friends and b/f, go clubbing, or just spend a day lounging around being a slob and not have to move one inch of my body one inch for the whole day, except to roll over to find a more comfrotable spot in my bed. Soo ok now im done fumming and i have to go get that homework of mine done. Ill be on later, when i get home....stay online or give me a call or something. I'd love it. see ya all later.

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Sep. 18th, 2004 12:50 am another late uneventful night

All right i was just talking to matt tonight for a short while and he was explaining how he realized he dosen't have a social life. That all he does is work and school. Then i finally realized, IM THE SAME WAY! i haven't hung out with a friend in i don't kno how long, and matt i hung out with last to look at homecoming dresses, last weekened. Ok maybe it dosen't seem that far to some but i must admit im attached. lol, and im a loser. soo what else is kne. Ya i was sad yesterday and everything but after finally talking to someone (that someone being matt), last night, i was calm and i feel totally relaxed right now. The tina thing just kinda gave me a glimpse of the thing i didn't want to come back, and that was saddness. Lets seeee im trying to think of my week. mmm ok well i worked all last night TILL 2:30AM~! on that stupid English project, then i got my Chemistry test back today. It was only a B. I was kinda bummed. but o well better next time u kno, this week has had its stress so it didn't surprise me. O and yesterday i had my first..REAL violin lesson. It was nice to get back in that swing of things. I love playing but i never really knew any of the techinical aspects im just good on the natural side, having an ear, a sight for dynamics, type of thing. Speaking of swing, Tracy is at a swing convention, gosh i wish i was there! i loveeee swing dancing, and i guy that can dance with u, u have this total connection when u dance with someone, i guess that can be in grinding with someone too. Im sooo excited to go to my homecoming just for the dancing aspect and then i get to go to MATTS HOMECOMING! im sooo excited! u have no idea. lol. I still don't have a dress though, that i am for sure about, there was one that i kinda liked at Kaufmanns, but wasn't sure, sooo i didn't get it. Today we had the best Pep Rally i have ever been to, and many agreed. We actually had a DJ who is our DJ for homecoming come and get everyone all rowled up, and with his huge system they played awesome amazing songs when the teams came out, and had fun games (dodgeball-students v.s teachers). It was just cool. Since they have awesome music for the assembly im guessing they will have awesome music for the homecoming tom. I hope he plays my favorite song "Lean back". ooo its sooo awesome. i call it me and matts dirty song, cause him and i are always having it on whenever we are together or talking with each other. By the way if anyone has an idea on a bill that you would want passed in the state of Ohio let me kno...im thinking of ideas for Youth in Governement. Anyways! today i worked and i didn't get to go to the homecoming football game. That's when i realized i never get to go out and see people out and about, cause im always working or at school. I have NOO SOCIAL LIFE. o well. mmm im tired now. I have to go to bed! im running a soccer concession stand tom, at 12:30pm come see our team play, we rock!!!

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Sep. 16th, 2004 10:03 pm talking to mattt

hey talking to matt. Im in a really bad mood, and hes just taking his time, making fun of me to make me more upset soo...i don't think i really wanna talk anymore. its just one of those days, i need a weekend away from school and i really wanted to see matt cause i thought maybe it would make me feel better but, it didn't happen today. o well another time, our schedules just conflict constantly, its sucks. School wasn't bad this morning, i think everything went well but i got mad at myself because i had forgotten about an assignment yesterday and got half off when i turned it in today, damit i want straight A's sooo bad. So now im pissed at myself, and then im mad that i didn't go to Tina's wake (because i really feel i should of, to at least show i cared). i guess its just one of those days. im sorry cause i kno u guys were probably expecting a diary entry that was better than the one last night, but this is all im givin. lol. Me and steph were talking about philosophy's today and so forth so i guess i will share that stuff with u tom. and i heard about this really cool military school from my friend spencer, so i will share that tom. lol ok ttyl i love u guys! but i really don't get why im soo sad.

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Sep. 15th, 2004 11:54 pm kinda pissed

Ok this makes the second time that i had to type this stupid journal entry. UGH!@ alright soo anyways schools been rough because this girl in our school commited suicide 2 days ago, so its kinda hit a lot of people hard. she was sooo pretty and nice. I pray for Ernie, Katilyn, and Liz. Liz im sorry u had to experience her that night before she died and not being able to do anything or help her must make u feel worse. Don't worry, u did everything u could. Then i had this long day at school where i was supposed to get homework done but instead i ended up talking to someone about depression because of (Tina), and hopefully i was able to encourage her to go get some help, cause i kno that her and i have similar feelings and maybe the similar problem. I then went to art club made a cut out of a cornocopia and then went straight to work. It was ok i got to do back money and just talk on a headset all day long. People get sooo annoying when u take orders, they always have to call something a different way, or get angry over lil things. I then got home early was sooo happy cause i thought i'd get to talk to matt. Come to find he went to bed. lol. sooo now im the only one up and its 15 min till its a new day. Im actually going to the wake tom. sooo if anyones open to going....call me. well i guess i better get started on my homework. I have nothing to do tom,.! im free! can u believe it. if u wanna do something...call me. i just learned some Indian words today. I wonder how many languages its possible to learn? lol mattt teach me hungarian...! j/k! ok im tired, HOMEWORK TIME! tty all tom. Lov u lots i promise that the next journal entry will be more intresting, ill actually be awake next time.

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